14 0106HST 07 - Playing back up for my boys
Not quite cupid, but I do what I can. So, the boys and I went down to Chinatown for some entertainment. I might add that I had no intention of going out tonight. Baggy raver pants and a black shirt with "I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere" across the chest don't quite rock it in the Punk and live show scene; in my opinion that is. Collins works up two girlies to come out and meet us at The Loft. He and ginger do their thing and the girls come with us in my car to The House that God forgot. En route back, I get popped with a blue light special for doing "15 over". Me! The D2 of all people! So, now I have a ticket for $132 and all I'm thinking about is my insurance premium and my Clearance. After that little escapade, we get to the house and the boys get back to work on the girls. None of the nailed a boogie because one of them became ill. What a killer. . .Anyway, I leave it as two on two and resort to my everlasting mistress; my laptop. In the mean time, I try to help set the mood and get them into situations of isolation. Right when I think it's my cue to bounce is when one of them gets ill. Damn . . .I drive them home. Dropped of the puke princess and was talking with her friend; hell if I remember her name. I start to gather some intel on the girl. I found out that not only is she leaving after January first, but she also has a "boyfriend". And by that I mean they're not officially going out. It's just someone she want to hook up with when she goes back to Canada. She's one of those girls that lean on the side of caution and takes care of her friends. Damn, if only she wasn't moving. I would have tried something; or I think I would have at least. Good girl, hard to come by these days. I'm thinking o poking my head around up at the UH theater. She's a theater stage major type of thing. I just have to come up with a good excuse to be up there since I'm not a student.
12.14.2007
10.31.2007
Depression
Depressions is seduction in reserve. Or at least for me I think. Why? Well, I've discovered that the more time I spend ind depression, isolation, or angst the more romantic my thought seem to be. Where heavy emotion meets romance is where seduction is breed.
I've been single for a little over a hear now with out any release in my emotional vibes. Never let the world see how you truly feel I was once told. They'll use that against you in the worst ways possible. Six years later here I am with little to no emotion expressed and a multitude of psychological identities. These identities alone are not me; but together is the definition of me.
I don't know if anybody else knows what it's like to be brought thinking that all you have is your self to depend on. To walk down the street and think to your self that with in a ten mile radius you are probably the only person that has the same types of ideas or thoughts. For example, I was was walking down the street the other day and I could not help but notice every person around me and how single minded they must be. It's kind of hard to explain my psychosis when I people watch in town; especially in Ala Moana. They are all part of the "mindless human herd" as Ayn Rand once wrote. Keep the center of the herd and be safe and pathetic. You are nothing without this herd but food for the predators. Stand alone and you are a beast of beasts to be gazed upon and awed.
To stick out and survive on your own is to condemn your self to lonely and isolated life of an outcast. People will point and talk about how you are different. The common self spoken response of "I'm different, but your a pathetic weakling that thrives on the attention of those more insignificant than you."
I don't know. Maybe this whole blog means nothing and I'm just angry because I haven't found anybody worth my time and effort to seduce and what not.
I've been single for a little over a hear now with out any release in my emotional vibes. Never let the world see how you truly feel I was once told. They'll use that against you in the worst ways possible. Six years later here I am with little to no emotion expressed and a multitude of psychological identities. These identities alone are not me; but together is the definition of me.
I don't know if anybody else knows what it's like to be brought thinking that all you have is your self to depend on. To walk down the street and think to your self that with in a ten mile radius you are probably the only person that has the same types of ideas or thoughts. For example, I was was walking down the street the other day and I could not help but notice every person around me and how single minded they must be. It's kind of hard to explain my psychosis when I people watch in town; especially in Ala Moana. They are all part of the "mindless human herd" as Ayn Rand once wrote. Keep the center of the herd and be safe and pathetic. You are nothing without this herd but food for the predators. Stand alone and you are a beast of beasts to be gazed upon and awed.
To stick out and survive on your own is to condemn your self to lonely and isolated life of an outcast. People will point and talk about how you are different. The common self spoken response of "I'm different, but your a pathetic weakling that thrives on the attention of those more insignificant than you."
I don't know. Maybe this whole blog means nothing and I'm just angry because I haven't found anybody worth my time and effort to seduce and what not.
10.20.2007
An age of pain
Ow. . . I thinking I'm getting to old for this shit. The weekly masochistic events that inevitably end in regret or disappointment. The play or the hunt for another to share in life. As someone once said; the human race in naturally self-destructive.
Ever got to that point in age where you just kind of told your self that your too old or mature to be doing this stuff? You ever told that voice to shut in the hell up because your too hardcore to give it all up now. Your constantly trying to live up to the sophomoric motto's of "Party like a Rockstar" and "If it's too loud you're too old". Everyone goes through their party animal phases. Of course you'd have to be as stupid as me to say that it's not a phase, you're the party. Yeah, the sober thoughts starting to hit after driving like a bat out of hell on the freeway last night and almost rear-ending a car in front of me because I was racing. No more Vodka and Redbull; I'll have to stick to the brewskies. There's nothing like that hair trigger feeling of wanting to vomit in your new car and the only thing keep you from doing so is knowing how much of a pain in the ass it's going to be try and scrape it out of the carpet. The question why do I continue down this masochistic path to self-destruction.
The drink is the symbol of fun times, happy living, and social echelon levels. The more alcoholic beverages you have the better everything is. If that was only the truth. The only truth in that is the orgasmic amnesia of what the real world is like with out the goggles. Nothing is more fun and socially promoting than being able to get smashed as shit and getting everyone around you to the same level. Every one loves the party boy. Only to stay a party boy you degrade your quality of living for social, emotional, physical, and occupation levels. Just be fun and not be the fun as it was once said. All this social anxiety and attempts at social acceptance just for something as small as a grain of sand on the beach.
The liquid courage as it's called. Have a drink and you're suave. Have a few more and you're sharp. Have a lot and you're Superman. Trying to maintain a consistency at any level is like trying to empty out water from a sinking boat with a table spoon. Where's the out path? Every plan has a back up plan in one form or another. Where's my out from this physically, mentally, socially, and occupationally tormenting life style? How does the party leave the party boy? It's easy when you have more to do and are socially accepted. But does the purple dragon amongst black sheep have an out? Or am I destined to be in this purgatory life of boozing and loneliness? Life with out the drink is easier than a life with out the acceptance. I know what I need to change. I only fear the fact that I need it or want it.
Ever got to that point in age where you just kind of told your self that your too old or mature to be doing this stuff? You ever told that voice to shut in the hell up because your too hardcore to give it all up now. Your constantly trying to live up to the sophomoric motto's of "Party like a Rockstar" and "If it's too loud you're too old". Everyone goes through their party animal phases. Of course you'd have to be as stupid as me to say that it's not a phase, you're the party. Yeah, the sober thoughts starting to hit after driving like a bat out of hell on the freeway last night and almost rear-ending a car in front of me because I was racing. No more Vodka and Redbull; I'll have to stick to the brewskies. There's nothing like that hair trigger feeling of wanting to vomit in your new car and the only thing keep you from doing so is knowing how much of a pain in the ass it's going to be try and scrape it out of the carpet. The question why do I continue down this masochistic path to self-destruction.
The drink is the symbol of fun times, happy living, and social echelon levels. The more alcoholic beverages you have the better everything is. If that was only the truth. The only truth in that is the orgasmic amnesia of what the real world is like with out the goggles. Nothing is more fun and socially promoting than being able to get smashed as shit and getting everyone around you to the same level. Every one loves the party boy. Only to stay a party boy you degrade your quality of living for social, emotional, physical, and occupation levels. Just be fun and not be the fun as it was once said. All this social anxiety and attempts at social acceptance just for something as small as a grain of sand on the beach.
The liquid courage as it's called. Have a drink and you're suave. Have a few more and you're sharp. Have a lot and you're Superman. Trying to maintain a consistency at any level is like trying to empty out water from a sinking boat with a table spoon. Where's the out path? Every plan has a back up plan in one form or another. Where's my out from this physically, mentally, socially, and occupationally tormenting life style? How does the party leave the party boy? It's easy when you have more to do and are socially accepted. But does the purple dragon amongst black sheep have an out? Or am I destined to be in this purgatory life of boozing and loneliness? Life with out the drink is easier than a life with out the acceptance. I know what I need to change. I only fear the fact that I need it or want it.
8.25.2007
Personality Test
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8.17.2007
Filthy Depression
You know when you get that point to where you're either so tired you feel depressed or so depressed you feel tired? Well, I'm at that point. It's like sleep is a sweet and joyful death that you bring your self out of. Every night we die and everyday we resurrect our selves. In hope that death is like sleep in the fact that there is nothingness. Only your dreams of reality. Yeah, I'm feeling so emo right now. Slap my ass and call me Amanda. ;-)
I think the reason I'm feeling like this is that being single is starting to get to me again. You just kind of miss having someone to hold in your arms as you lay in bed. The not being able to get lost in someones eyes as you lay beside each other. It feels like a helpless fall forward with only hope to hold on to. I know I've gone through this many times before.
It's just that this time it's harder because I actually have friends I can rely on and who understand me. I have no conflict in my life to be angry at. Almost like living with out a purpose or definition. Before I'd just isolate my self, get drunk, do the angry dance, and get into fights. But, I don't have that anymore. I have nothing to get angry at except my self. I have no immediate challenges ahead of me. No classmates to compete with for the highest grade or clubber to compete with dance. I have no challenge! I have no challenge? I have nothing to push against or hinder me. Mean while the only things in my mind is hope that maybe some where some day a girl will peak over her emotional walls and look deeper in to the truth of me. In that moment I can release all the charm, class, seduction, and openness that I've saving like the virginity of maidens from the past.
If there be a god; any god, I give this vow. Show me a woman that is worth such treatment and trust and I will let her forget what is to be sad and unloved. I will and want to give all of my self to one so worthy as she.
I think the reason I'm feeling like this is that being single is starting to get to me again. You just kind of miss having someone to hold in your arms as you lay in bed. The not being able to get lost in someones eyes as you lay beside each other. It feels like a helpless fall forward with only hope to hold on to. I know I've gone through this many times before.
It's just that this time it's harder because I actually have friends I can rely on and who understand me. I have no conflict in my life to be angry at. Almost like living with out a purpose or definition. Before I'd just isolate my self, get drunk, do the angry dance, and get into fights. But, I don't have that anymore. I have nothing to get angry at except my self. I have no immediate challenges ahead of me. No classmates to compete with for the highest grade or clubber to compete with dance. I have no challenge! I have no challenge? I have nothing to push against or hinder me. Mean while the only things in my mind is hope that maybe some where some day a girl will peak over her emotional walls and look deeper in to the truth of me. In that moment I can release all the charm, class, seduction, and openness that I've saving like the virginity of maidens from the past.
If there be a god; any god, I give this vow. Show me a woman that is worth such treatment and trust and I will let her forget what is to be sad and unloved. I will and want to give all of my self to one so worthy as she.
8.07.2007
7.22.2007
7.21.2007
It was a cold rainy night. . .
It's raining out side. I always did love the rain. It's the world cleansing it's self. Coffeetalk feels like it's in one old Kary Grant films or the ones with a old smokey bar/Cafe. Maybe it's that I'm sitting at a different spot than I am normal with. A young boy was just playing some Oldies music. He was quite good under the circumstances. He even wrote a song for his beloved. She's rather annoying. She's two tables away and she does the Valley girl talk naturally. I'd say they're somewhere between 13 to 16 years of age. Damn youngens.
I still don't know what I'm going to be doing to night. What ever it is I end up doing it's going to have to be low budget. Still have to save up what I can for my trip to Las Vegas. My first trip with out my family and to Las Vegas not to mention my first trip to Defcon. I'm going to go balls to the wall on this trip.
Lately, I've been really apathetic about everything. It's like nothing matters or phases me anymore. Ringing true and reminding me of why I am Void. Might it be that this place is just so stale and cliche that it's no longer interesting? Not even the female of the species have any sway. I think it's just a lack of suitable choices. It's hard these days to find a girls that's smart, independent, faithful, and fun.
I still don't know what I'm going to be doing to night. What ever it is I end up doing it's going to have to be low budget. Still have to save up what I can for my trip to Las Vegas. My first trip with out my family and to Las Vegas not to mention my first trip to Defcon. I'm going to go balls to the wall on this trip.
Lately, I've been really apathetic about everything. It's like nothing matters or phases me anymore. Ringing true and reminding me of why I am Void. Might it be that this place is just so stale and cliche that it's no longer interesting? Not even the female of the species have any sway. I think it's just a lack of suitable choices. It's hard these days to find a girls that's smart, independent, faithful, and fun.
7.10.2007
7.04.2007
Room available - Defcon Forums
Room available - Defcon Forums: "Yes, but what happens at Defcon goes on the Internet!"
6.28.2007
6.25.2007
6.14.2007
Is it too much?
It's been getting harder and harder for me to sleep lately. I've been throwing on one of the movies that I must have watched over a thousand times and curling up with my blanket and pillow. In the morning, I wake to another day with no real human interaction to motivate me. The drives to and from work all I can think about is my empty room. I keep telling my self that I'm better off single and free; but am I and why? Does having a life partner really slow down my personal development? Does it really hamper my life style? I tell everyone that I'm picky about my girls. But the truth is that the only reason I'm looking for someone is so that I know I have someone to come home to and see. I'll have someone to snuggle up to at night and keep them safe from the world. I'll have someone with the authority to tell me what to do to keep me safe from my self. I want someone to create and share those great Hallmark moments with. Is that too much to want? Is too much to want someone just to give them those moments in life that they'll never forget. I've never had one of those moments where I'm sitting on a hill overlooking the city with someone I knew really well enough to cherish it. Call me gay, emo, or what have you. I just want someone to make feel special.
6.10.2007
6.03.2007
The down was always said to be better than the up. It's a new day with only four hours of real sleep and I feel like a new man. Is something to be said about my extracurricular activities? It's not illegal, but not on the clean street either. Is our fix part of who we are? Are we categorized by the things we do under the moon?
I went to grab lunch for everybody at work today and I could not help but to appreciate what the day was. A nice warm day with forecast skies. The type of day you would take your family to the beach on. It kind of brought back a small sense of nostalgia; a reminder of who I am and where I come from. I took it as a cue to switch up the playlist from electronica to the island beats. Driving on post with the warm sun on my skin and Santana in my ears gave me small bit of satisfaction with my life. As comfort started to land on my skin like ocean mist at the beach I thought about last night. Would I have felt this way if I didn't do what I did last night?
I went to grab lunch for everybody at work today and I could not help but to appreciate what the day was. A nice warm day with forecast skies. The type of day you would take your family to the beach on. It kind of brought back a small sense of nostalgia; a reminder of who I am and where I come from. I took it as a cue to switch up the playlist from electronica to the island beats. Driving on post with the warm sun on my skin and Santana in my ears gave me small bit of satisfaction with my life. As comfort started to land on my skin like ocean mist at the beach I thought about last night. Would I have felt this way if I didn't do what I did last night?
The log
The night starts off with some wireless and soda up at Coffeetalk. Hellfire and W0lf pop some DXM with Phreelance to get stuck in the darkness of the night. We're watching Gothica Right now. A dark room with three laptops, two robo-trippers and a nanny. Hellfire has Jayna. Phreelance is working on some images and I'm just chilling watching everything around me. The world expands and contracts temperatures of hot and cold. All I can see is four screens and an Asian face. Hellfire's phone goes off; "Lono's down", and they're off to go fix Lono. Lono is Hellfire's server at work. Shit! I should have gone with them. "You can see the wet foot prints on the floor." This kind of like the Shining. This ghost is going to scare her into escaping. " It's dark and my eyes are dilated. I just popped ten more pills; my point five. Decided to relocate to the couch until Hellfire and Phreelance get back. Through out the night I hear a cricket playing it's song in the night.
5.24.2007
Somethin to do...
Venus on thursday nights isn't that bad; $5 cover, hip-hop music and lots of cuties. Got here at about 0130 and more people are showing up. Heineken's are $5.
5.23.2007
The first official blog.
Well, this is my first official blog. It's so that the people that really care can know what I'm really all about. I'm watching Battle Royale right now and sending this blog using my cell phone. Ah, the beauty of technology... Your life in a properly formatted search engine string. Your soul in single entry of a database. The world is in a digital absorbance. Soon we will be in a state similar to that seen in the Matrix. We will all be plugged in to some type of technological mammoth that will replace the current definition of reality. Life will be replaced by an infinite number of one's and zero's. Meeting someone in real life will not differ from that of the cyber world. It will be a place where physicalty will be all most non-existant. A place where limits are those made by your mind. A place where tasks are done as fast as you can think of them. My idea of eden.
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